The past is the past they say…

Hey all!

This may ruffle some feathers but oh well; here it is I am not a feminist women, I don’t go walking in the parades or think I have to be better than all the men. However; I will say the “me too” movement got me thinking a lot. I thrived for attention and loved attention from men, I didn’t have the most ideal childhood so I assume that attributed to my teenage years. My dad wasn’t lovey dovey, he had a horrible childhood and he did not know how to show affection to us kids or my mother. I use to see my cousins and the love they had from their dad and attention they got and I was so envious, I longed for that.

I had boyfriends here and there starting in 8th grade, once I got to 9th I always like the older guys;not crazy old but 12th graders while I was in 9th. Boys were more important then my English class , I mean the cafeteria for them was not in the basement and they were good to look at. I wasn’t that comfortable with the whole being sexually active though, I liked to flirt a lot so I use to think maybe I deserved to be touched like that or talked to like that.

Started with an 18 year old “christian” in my church, I was 15 but he “loved” me for years or so he said and if I loved him too I would sleep with him and being he was a “christian” I thought this would be a forever thing; well we lasted three months, and during that time he was cheating on me with my so called best friend at the time! People knew what he was doing but he was going to be a pastor and even went to bible college so I’d be wrong to say something. I was told ” oh I will call the school and tell them it was all you, he did nothing wrong”.

Then it was a friends older brother, he had to be in his 20’s had a fiance and a son, but that didn’t stop him from coming behind me and start touching me inappropriately, I didn’t stop coming around though, now was it because I didn’t want to lose my friends or did I like the attention? Now I am 16 and dealing with a broken heart, a household that was broken and had no good group of friends.

The worst one though was the “man of God” one, someone who was in power in the church that always loved chasing me around the field, if it snowed he loved putting snow down my shirt and up or down my skirt. He flirted with all of us girls and who knows if he got inappropriate with anyone else but this went on for a while. We finally moved on from that church; my faith in God was tainted and I went down a dark path after that.

I cut my wrists from 9th-12th grade, I really hated church from 2006-2011 , it wasn’t till my first mission trip that my faith was restored. Now they say faith should not be in the church goers, or the pastors etc. but you cannot help but let your faith be tainted when all these people who claimed the love of God were disgusting humans.

I have forgiven, I had to because I have not told these stories publicly but I feel like why should I be ashamed? Maybe the attention was wanted but there is a difference between being flirtatious and being touched when you didn’t want to be, or being told you want me to stay with you, sex is a must. It is not okay!!

People have gone through worse I know, but I hope sharing this makes you see your not alone. I chose happiness as much as I can, now do I wish my teenage years were different yes or course. Do I wish I didn’t skip so much class that  I had to either re take 9th grade or be home schooled, yes but everything happens for a reason.

Believe it or not I am a better person for my past, I always speak freely of self harm and thoughts of suicide. It is real, all of it; and it happens to so many people. Till next time..

Smiles,

Colie 🙂