The title is a question I’ve been asking myself since March 2019; what the actual F*** is going on right now? Whose life is this? Sure as hell cant’ be mine. Well ladies and gentlemen it is my life; and I shock myself daily with how I got to December in one piece. I have really tip toed around what exactly blew up in March; my happy marriage blew up out of no where (literally no where, we just submitted our adoption papers the day prior to shit hitting the fan).
My best friend since 2007 , my husband since 2012 and my co parent to our fur babies since 2013 was cheating on me for 4 years behind my back with two people. I didn’t share for a few reasons, one being well the obvious “how embarrassing” but really it isn’t. It does not reflect on me as a person, shoot I know I was a phenomenal wife in all areas. There was more to it but for personal reason I don’t want to say too much; but it was like being hit by a ton of bricks, my heart being literally ripped out and not being able to breath. I remember sitting on my couch for almost 10 days straight , when I did try to get up and go back to work I was let go because my personal life was too distracting for the work place ( not legal but anyway ); I just remember thinking ” I can’t make it, I can’t live without him, I love my life, I can’t lose all of this “.
It’s amazing what you can do when you say “no I can’t let this take me down, I am more than this “. I struggle many days, this stress has made me gain weight not lose, I sometimes don’t feel comfortable in my own skin; but I am learning to be happier with myself. I rid myself of people who are no good for me, I keep a very small circle of friends and I know my worth and what I should tolerate and what I shouldn’t.
Yes marriages can come back from things such as this but not ours, our chapter will be closing shortly. On that day I will cry and they will be tears of sadness because that is still a huge part of my life closing and ending. People can have their opinions but honestly they can shove it! I am allowed to feel any emotion I want on any day I want. Can I miss him ? yes, Can I miss my old life? yes, Can I be happy and still miss things? YES!! There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Unlike people who grieve the dead and no longer see or talk to that person, I am grieving a person very much alive. Someone I am tempted to call when something happens because lets face it you have a person for 12 years its hard to rewire your brain.
Lucky for me I have other people who I can now lean on in that moment; doesn’t always do the trick. I know neither of us are in love with each other anymore, we have love for each other because you can’t just snap your fingers and it goes away. I don’t write this to slander him, although I could rightfully say a lot of things but I write to share. Many people will be betrayed by someone they love, its a unfortunate fact but it happens daily. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and almost like I was living outside myself looking in on this life I was so unfamiliar with.
A quote from a friend ” you can’t be in love with someone and do what they did to you, you may still love the person but there is no being in love with that person”. I truly believe once you go outside of your marriage and or relationship you are choosing to stop loving the person your with. Yes I say chose because love is not just a feeling, it is a choice. You think people married 30+ years wake up with butterflies and so in love; no, it is a choice you make everyday. In my circumstance my choice was made for me; and I believe everything happens for a reason.
I no longer believe in soul mates but rather a soul person, I believe people come in your life for a reason and maybe it is to stay or maybe its to pass on through. I love that I had a soul person for so long, even though the heartbreak from losing that person almost feels unbearable. I do not know what is in store for me, will there be another soul person? only God knows. My priorities are to put me first for once, those who know me know I do not know how to do this at all!!!! Send Help!!
Till next time…